Hilarity and Good Times For All
by MAI742
Summary: First and Third's minds have been exchanged. This must mean hilarity and good times for all.
1. Instant Hilarity & Rapid Acceptance

"Rei," they said "can you hear me?"

His mouth was dry. He felt woozy if not outright nauseus. The sync-test had gotten so _weird_ right before he... blacked out...

"Rei," someone grasped his hand, "are you alright?"

Confused, he forced his eyes open. Father's eyes were filled with... _concern?"_

His traitorous heart leapt (for joy?) in his chest. "Father..." in his moment of weakness, he forgot his resolution never to give father the satisfaction of knowing how much he...

He tried to reach out to father, and father drew back - releasing his hand. Father frowned, and the concern was overriden by a calculating look.

"Father?"

He could hear his voice - hoarse and strangely high - crack as he felt the weight of father's rejection.

Father brushed passed him and entered the plug, scooping up... Rei... Rei was with him for the test...

He was too busy feeling dizzy, sick, and emotionally devastated to noticed the deep sense of _wrongness_.

He only really noticed it was there when father pulled her out, and Rei's face - brown, with black hair - passed just a few centimetres from his own.

_That's...that's _my_ face..._

His overtaxed mind gave out.

* * *

"Rei," said The Commander "are you alright?"

"Yes, Commander." Her voice was hoarse, and deep. She focused on him.

He spared her further words, and gave her a mirror. Inferring his meaning from the gesture and a motion he made with his eyes, she used it to survey her features.

They were Shinji's.

She held the mirror back out to The Commander and he took it from her.

"Doctor Akagi needs a month beforing attempting a reversal. Now, we must see if you are still compatible." He held a hand out to her, and she took it as she slipped out of the bed and onto the floor. Shinji's plugsuit was laid out on a table.

"Report to the cages."

He would want to know if she was still compatible with Unit Zero. If Pilot Ikari was alive...

The Commander had already left, so she discarded the idea of asking after his son. If he had survived, then he would be there too if his condition allowed it.

She needed a moment longer than usual to adjust the suit around the crotch area, but otherwise had no problems.

* * *

"Shinji?"

It was Misato.

"Misato...?"

His voice was hoarse, but felt strangely light.

"So it's true."

"What's... true?"

He forced his eyes open, and saw her standing over him. She looked... grim. "How d'you feel, champ?"

"Fine," he said, voice still funny. "I think my throat's a bit dry." He sat up, slowly.

He appeared to have breasts. He giggled. It was one of _those_ dreams, huh? He giggled aloud at the ridiculousness of it.

Misato... was oddly mundane, considering, in both appearance and behaviour. "Shouldn't you be more dream-like or something?"

"Er...?"

"LIke riding a unicycle and juggling seals or something."

She seemed about to say something, but he could see her decide to dismiss it. She came up with something else, but dismissed that just as quickly. In the end she simply said "You're in Rei's body."

She looked serious. She produced a mirror, still straight-faced. He looked into it.

Rei's blood-red eyes looked back. He looked to Misato.

He looked to Rei.

He fainted.

* * *

"I can't believe you... he was _naked_, Ritsu!"

"Orders. If it wasn't me, it would've been someone else. Besides, what he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Haven't you ever heard of this itty-bitty thing called 'dignity'? We're kind of big on it in non-Sciency-La-La-Land!"

"So I stuffed his junk into his clothes, big deal. I'd have thought you'd be more worried about the fact that I've got him back in my clutches quite so soon."

"I have no idea whether to be pissed about that or not, frankly. But I _do_ know you could've waited for him to wake up, for God's sake!"

She shrugged. "Difference of opinion. I've seen more during his medical check-ups, if that's any consolation."

She looked up from her terminal for a second. "Oh, don't give me that look. You've probably stolen more than a few glances yourself."

_"That's different_. Shinji is my ward! You're just his..."

"Doctor, yes. Now if you could just let us get on with this? The sooner they finish, the sooner we can let them go." She paused. "After a bit more testing-"

"-Enough tests for one day, Ritsuko. I'm taking him back after this, and that's final. You can run along to The Commander if you want, but I know what he'll say."

_Do you, now?_

She stopped herself from smirking and sighed, theatrically. "Oh dear," she drawled as flatly as possible "you have got me. Oh curses, my evil plan is foiled." She sighed. "And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids."

Misato frowned. "You just quoted something, didn't you."

"Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer or to take up arms against a sea of troubles... probably."

"No-one likes a smart alec."

"Boer."

"Snob."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence. "This is pretty Fuyutsukin' weird, though." Ritsuko marvelled at her use of a name as an expletive. "You can fix it, right?"

_I have absolutely no idea._

"Of course."

She'd secured a month to bullshit her way through to an ad-hoc solution, but that really wasn't enough. In reality she was looking at three months' work at the least, and most likely 'never'.

Misato spoke into the microphone. "Just... try to relax, okay, Shinji? Not long now."

She looked to the camera feed, where she could see him - _her?_ - fidgeting in the plug. "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

Her charge let the phone ring for far too long. Misato knew it didn't take her _that_ long for her to take the damned thing out of her bag.

"Hey sweetie-pie, how's it going?"

"Cut the crap Misato, what do you want?"

"N'awwww, you're such a little petal-blossom of sunshine-roses you know that?"

"What is it," she growled - with no real animosity. That's just the way she was.

"Shinji's had an accident, so we'll be running late while Ritsuko makes sure he's okay. We'll be back later tonight, don't wait up. Get take-out or something, okay?"

"What kind of accident?"

She'd put a lot of thought into how to put this to her, exactly.

She gave up. "You'll see. He's fine, so don't worry your little sugary-bumplekin heart out, okay?"

She _would_ tell her to cut the sugarplum-fairy crap, but Asuka knew it would only spur her to even greater heights of teasing as honed by years of bitchy sniping among female company. She could practically hear that thought ticking over in Asuka's head as the silence dragged out. "Love you, sweetie."

"Eurgh." She hung up.

* * *

"His weekly pack." Ritsuko presented the... package of little compartments and pills to her.

"So how does this work, exactly?"

"Just read the instructions."

There was a neat, carefully-labelled box for after each meal on each day. There were _a lot_ of pills. "_Jesus_, Ritsu, Rei's been taking... what, fifty pills a day?" she gawped at the bewildering listing on the back of the package. "She's on _horse tranquilisers!_ Why _the hell_ is a little slip of a girl like her on...?"

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "How do you know-"

"-Uni'."

_Fair enough_.

Anyway. "I'm just the Chief Science Officer, I don't do specifics. I doubt anyone besides her physician knows exactly what she's on." She plucked the package back out of Misato's unresisting hands, scanning the precription. "Though she _is_ on rather a lot of medication, it's true. Looks like most of it's just there to negate the effects of the others." She handed it back. "Anyway. Just make sure he takes these, breakfast dinner and supper. If he doesn't, he'll be in serious trouble. Serious _m__edical_ trouble, moreover. Got it?"

"Got it."

She hesitated. "You really can fix this, though, right?"

"Of course," she lied. "Maybe not in a month, but it's just a matter of time."

She waved her only steady friend goodbye, and inhaled a cigarette in record time as wondered just how she'd managed to cock things up quite so spectacularly. The Commander had been distant enough lately as it was...

She sighed.

_Sucks to be me._

Her eye fell on the psych-readings for the First and Third children.

_Could be worse, of course._

* * *

"Feeling alright?"

"Y-yeah." He was wearing Ayanami's uniform.

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Well. Let's go." She congratulated herself on managing to almost completely ignore the fact that he looked and sounded exactly like Rei. She'd never really paid much attention to Rei's body language, but she thought she could see Shinji's mannerisms shining through. She liked to think it was noticeable, but the difference was perhaps more subtle than she'd have liked. As far as changes to the familiar went, sometimes the more dramatic the change the more easily accepted it was.

For instance, it had very nearly been Asuka in the plug with him and not Rei - the engagement with the Pacific Fleet had sparked this series of experiments. If it had, and the same thing had happened... the change would certainly have been more dramatic, though now that she thought of it she wasn't sure if she'd have found it any easier to deal with or not. It was weird enough dealing with just the one accident-happened-to charge, thanks.

They spent the trip home in silence. Originally they were supposed to have been home by sunset so Shinji could prepare supper for the three of them, but they still hadn't eaten and it was too late for take-out. In fact, it was nearly bed-time - they'd best break out the instant-noodles.

He was still frazzled, and tired. Ritsuko's tests said he was alright but he still looked like he was in shock. He didn't normally stutter like that, for instance. She remembered the pill-package.

"Uh, Shinji..." she blew off her reservations, and apprehension, and the general air of weirdness, and spoke freely. "Rei is..._was_... heavily medicated. Ritsuko gave me a neat little package thing so you can take all the right pills at the right times, it's in my work bag so don't let me forget to give it to you okay?"

"Okay."

She sighed, figuring it was best to capitalise on their 'alone time' before they had to deal with Hurricane Asuka - frankly, she had zero idea how the foreigner would take this. Knowing her she'd probably think it was just some big joke at first, though she had no idea how easy or hard it might be to convince her that, yes, this really was Shinji.

She'd never really appreciated just how _red_ Rei's eyes were. Or, rather, _had been_.

She broke the trance and whipped her eyes round to focus on the road. She was _driving_, for goodness' sake. She coulda got them all killed...

She stole the occasional sideways glance, though. Rei was..._ striking_, for want of a better word. _Shinji_ was striking, that is. She'd never been this close to the girl before.

_Perfect skin. Perfect hair_.

Pallour aside, Rei was the very picture of human vitality, health, and perfection.

"Are you _sure_ you're alright?"

He didn't answer. "I mean, this is kind of a unique thing. Nobody... and I mean _nobody_, has ever had this problem before. Not even trans people, cos they... you know, _want _different bodies. They set out to make it happen. But this... this is something else, you know?"

Shinji being Shinji, he was almost certainly still freaked out, and would be for a while.

...as anyone would be, for that matter. But Shinji being Shinji, he _didn't talk about it_. She didn't know why she'd expected him to actually discuss something that was bugging him just because she prompted him to.

"I guess I'm just saying that you have the right to be confused, and nervous, and maybe even a little angry because I sure as hell didn't know this kind of thing could happen when, _apparently_, Ritsuko did, even if it was one of her '0.00000001% chance' things that _keep happening_..."

"Sorry. I'm doing all the talking. But I think I got my point across, right?"

She threw him a smile. The next time she glanced his way, she saw that he was looking at her. "Thanks," he said, in a whisper. He was smiling a little, but in the dim light she couldn't tell whether it was a genuine one or one of those wistful smiles he wore instead of a blank expression.

* * *

"Heya, we're home!"

There was no reply. Asuka had probably been asleep hours ago. She took her shoes off. "Do I..."

She paused to give him her full attention. "Do I have to go to school tomorrow?"

She knew this'd come up. "How about _you_ tell _me_, Shinji?"

He practically withered under her gaze, and she looked off to one side to make the exchange easier on him. She filled the silence while he seemed to think that over. "It's your choice to make. Just make sure it's the right one, okay? I wouldn't want you to lose touch with your friends just 'cos of a little..." unwanted-body-swap-come-sex-change "accident."

He nodded. "But... how could we keep it a secret? Pretending to be Ayanami would be easy but... I don't think Ayanami could..." he looked startled as she snorted.

"I didn't even think of that to be honest. But if you want to try," she said conspiratorially "you will have my full support."

She knew the smile was genuine this time. It was infectious.

She broke off their exchange rather abruptly as the _weirdness _of the moment hit her full-force. "Instant noodles?"

"Sure."

_Ayanami_, the girl who never... _anything_-ed... had smiled. And it was beautiful. If she was feeling soppy she might even have said it'd warmed her heart. But it was _Shinji_ doing the smiling, the talking, the moving, the... everything... all of it was just so... _unsettling_...

When she got to the kitchen the first thing she did was take a generous swig of the rice wine Shinji sometimes used in his cooking.

She thought of the day to come as she set about preparing the noodles (the beer could wait). Her thoughts kept returning to Asuka, and for a moment she seriously considered getting up early to explain the situation to her.

...the more she thought about it, the more she decided he might need her intervention to get through that introduction in one piece. Assuming Shinji even came out of her - no, _his_(?) - room.

But she'd had less 6 hours' sleep in the last 48 hours. She'd _planned_ to catch up on sleep tonight/tomorrow morning.

_Don't hate me for this_...

* * *

I am a proud whore for reviews, among other things. You know what I want from you, oh satisfied reader...

Thanks again for your patronage, various people who seem to take an interest in whatever I write just because it's me that's writing it (don't worry, I can assure you that [as you may have guessed] you have _excellent_ taste).

Speaking of which, the first thing I ever wrote was a cringe-worthy rewrite of Evangelion set in...1984? GobHobblin, of EvaSessions fame, is currently working on an AU Evangelion story set in 1991(?) which is pretty much everything I'd ever hoped my first fic would be (and wasn't). For those who don't know already, I've also helped our fellow history buff Archangel38 with his AU Evangelion story set in _1915_. While I don't agree with aspects of his world (a British Civil War over _the royal succession _and neither Irish Secession nor Socialism? A Germany afraid of _French_ and not Russian economic/military modernisation [when Germany has twice as many people as the former and 1/3 as many as the latter]? German shipbuilding firms deciding to fund the establishment of Japanese shipyards and buying ships from them rather than setting up shipyards in Germany and selling ships to the Japanese?...

Ahem. So, yes. Some world-building errors. But both works and their authors are _well_ worth your time if you like a good story.


	2. Rapid Acceptance & Blossoming Romance

She stumbled out of bed and went about the morning routine. Piss, teeth, shower, then to the living room for breakfast.

She observed that Shinji hadn't showered yet, which was odd. He was a creature of habit for one thing, and for another she'd never known him to go without it.

The reason became clear when she got to the living room. He'd prepared her breakfast and lunch and left a note on the table beside them.

_I feel terrible today, please don't wake me. I'm very tired._

She might not be very good at the Chinese characters/hieroglyphs, but she was pretty sure that was the character for 'terrible/bad' and not 'sick'.

Her eyes flashed to his room. Surely he wouldn't dare just to just stay in there and slack off all day... not when she was about, and ready (if not eager) to punish him for any bullshit he might spew.

She enjoyed her breakfast in peace and quiet. When she was done, she took her bag and left for school.

* * *

When she got back her breakfast-plate was gone and presumably stacked with the others. Dinner was waiting for her on the table as before. It was a bit basic, like he really hadn't done any shopping today.

She completed her homework - including some of tomorrow's - in forty minutes before breaking it off and lounging around in front of the TV. Misato had a late shift, so it was just her and Shinji in the flat. Which suited her fine.

Sick or not, he was still alive apparently. Or at least, he had been maybe thirty minutes before she got home. Which was more than an hour ago. She shrugged, and went for a bath.

He still hadn't used the shower.

For some reason, while she was in the bath she remembered the cutlery she'd used when eating - if he'd laid it out for her, did that mean she could get sick too?

She shook her head. He was an idiot, but he wasn't so foolhardy as to think he could get her sick and get away with it. He'd have used gloves or something for the whole meal, cutlery and all. She smirked, inexplicably satisfied by the thought.

All-in-all, it was a quiet night for Asuka Langley Soryu.

She'd practically forgetten the 'accident' Misato'd mentioned.

* * *

The next day things were the same. Misato was up this time, but it was first thing in the morning so all they could really do for each other was keep it civil and avoid treading on one another's toes - neither of them was up for a confrontation at this ungodly hour.

* * *

She came back and, again, dinner was waiting. For the first time she noticed the pill-package on the counter marked 'Shinji'. Shinji was on a truly impressive cocktail of drugs, according to the package, though none of the names really stood out - chemistry wasn't her field. Physics was where it had been at...

Still. It was a lot of pills for such a weakling. Then again, he needed them _because_ he was a weakling. She smirked.

* * *

On the morning of the third day of Shinji's illness she noticed that, again, he hadn't showered. Breakfast and lunch were on the table, but he still hadn't done any shopping - it was just a step up from instant noodles. If he didn't get well soon someone else might have to actually go shopping for food.

She eyed the list that had come with breakfast+lunch - a shopping list, and some money. He wanted _her_ to do the shopping for him?

Part of her felt like being gracious and giving in to his pleading, but she decided to drew the line at inconveniencing herself just for his sake. She left the note on the table and went to school.

* * *

When she came home, it was still there - as was the breakfast-plate. He hadn't prepared dinner either.

She pounded on his door. "Hey, _stupid_. There's nothing to eat."

Again. "Wake up."

More pounding.

"_I'm talking to you_."

She switched tone from 'fiery' to 'icy'.

"_Are you ignoring me?"_

Still nothing.

With a grunt-sigh, she slammed his door open and marched in. The room was dark, blinds closed, and Shinji was huddled up under the sheets. "Rise and shine, wonderboy!"

She threw back the covers.

Ayanami was sleeping in his bed.

_In his clothes_, in his bed.

She was too creeped-out to be properly angry, at first.

At first.

Part of her wondered if this had something to do with Wondergirl's absenteeism this week. For anyone else she would've dismissed the thought as ridiculous, but this was Wondergirl, after all - anything was possible for one with a mind as 'out there' as Wondergirl's.

She considered a solid blow to the girl's cheek, but then dismissed it as too easy - too lenient. Too _merciful_. She had an opportunity here, she should make the most of it.

Yell something in her ear...?

Put her hand in a bowl of warm water? She was leery of whether it'd actually make the first child wet herself or not, but it'd be just so _perfect_ if it worked.

Her thoughts were interrupted by The First muttering something and curling up a little. She didn't really catch what she'd said, but it sounded something like 'Asuka'.

She froze, caught between plans of action. As she watched, Ayanami opened her eyes a fraction and said "Asuka?"

She had not and would never give this particular _freak_ permission to address her so personally. She drew a hand back for the blow, but said freak pre-empted her with more murmured words as she nuzzled Shinji's pillow.

"Sorry 'bout dinner, I'm just _so tired_..."

Raising an eyebrow, she slapped her doubly hard for being extra-weird.

Ayanami recoiled from the blow and cringed backward against the wall in an immsensely satisfying movement, spluttering a simple "Wha-?" before Asuka leaned in over her and got in her verbal follow-up.

"What. _The hell. Are you doing here, First? And why the FUCK are you wearing his clothes!?"_

She almost felt pity for the girl as she saw the abject terror in her eyes, but quashed it before it could rear its ugly head. She _would not_ waste her pity on something like The First Child.

She felt giddy with excitement as Ayanami's reaction went on to become even more satisfyingly scatter-brained and undignified than in her wildest fantasies.

Watching Ayanami struggle to find her voice was still bringing a smirk to her face, but after while she decided that she'd had enough fun for today - no, for this week! - and that she didn't want to hear whatever crazy-creepy reasons she had for being here. "Just get back into your own goddamn clothes and _get the hell out_."

"I-I..."

"_Did I fucking stutter?_"

Her heart sang for joy as the First Child looked like her favourite pet had just died. Not that she could've understood the concept of keeping a pet, of course.

"You've got one minute. Then you're leaving. Got it?"

"I..."

"_One minute_."

She left her to it, standing just outside the door while she counted off the seconds.

She'd got to forty-eight when she started playing his cello. More specifically, the piece she'd overheard Shinji play that one time - Mozart or something?

"Fifty-nine," she opened the door "sixty."

She'd never have guesed that something like The First Child had that kind of talent in her. Without asking she knew why she'd developed this skill - to please Commander Ikari, why else?

Ayanami got really into it too. She'd expected technical perfection, but she'd never have thought Ayanami capable of what she had to concede was a well-developed sense of musical interpretation and romantic expression. It was very much at odds with her image of her as a soulless automaton.

Then again, she supposed, 'the person will out'. First was the lowest possible kind of person, but she had some skills. Asuka Langley Soryu was wise enough to take them into account, even as she despised the purpose for which those skills had been honed and the entirety of her being in general.

Anyway. Let it not be said that Asuka was not one to appreciate culture - she let Ayanami play Shinji's cello, wearing Shinji's clothes, in Shinji's room until she began to stumble through what was evidently an ill-remembered passage.

"Very pretty" she declared, clapping, and Ayanami paused. She looked... grateful?_ Relieved?_

"Now, get changed and _get the fuck out_."

Her face fell, and Asuka savoured the moment. It was _delicious_.

It was only after she'd slammed the front door on her freakishly pale face, not more than a minute later, that she wondered who had ordered Wondergirl to act so human.

* * *

The door slammed shut in his face, and the first thing he thought of was his pills.

_Serious medical consequences_, rang Misato's voice in his ears. He raised his hand to knock, but thought better of it.

He sighed and leaned against he door. Misato wouldn't be back 'til very late.

He had no wallet - he'd had it on him three days ago, so he'd lost it along with his clothes - and nothing to do.

He stared at the sky for a while.

_Serious medical consequences_, he thought. His thoughts went to Ayanami. When she'd been in his -

_-gah_.

He really had only just woken up.

When _he'd_ been in _her_ apartment, he'd seen a lot of pills around the place. In fact, she'd seemed to own nothing but pills, bandages, and clothes.

He needed those pills. And maybe she knew which ones he needed to take, as well?

He hesitated for another six minutes before setting off.

* * *

He knocked for the third time in a minute.

The door opened to reveal his face. He gazed at himself impassively.

"Um," he said, feeling stupid while she waited for him to speak.

He stared at the floor, blushing. "I-I locked myself out, of the apartment and Misato isn't coming back until late and I don't have my pills and do you have any and know which I should take?"

She blinked. He got a sinking feeling he hadn't made any sense or, worse, that he'd offended her somehow.

She turned on her heel and disappeared inside. He stood where he was, gripping one arm behind his back and staring at his feet.

She returned, offering her cellular phone and a notepad to him. Misato's number was listed on it, under his father's.

"Thank you, Ayanami."

She stood there while he dialed the number and he thought about moving away to take the call - her steady, dispassionate gaze was unsettling him. He fidgeted with the notebook while he waited for Misato to pick up.

She didn't.

"Um. Can I..."

He faltered. "Can I try again?"

"Yes."

He did.

Misato didn't pick up.

He handed the phone back to her. "Thank you. Um,"

She waited for him to speak. "Er, can I try again later?"

"Yes."

"Thank you, Ayanami."

She closed the door.

He really shouldn't have been so shocked and dismayed that she'd done that, he noted in hindsight. He raised his hand to knock, but thought better of it - if she was feeling in a hospitable mood, she would've invited him in.

He sat down outside her door and waited. He closed his eyes for a moment.

* * *

When he woke again it was nighttime. He stretched and blinked away the sleep. He felt better now, but he was uncomfortably aware of just how empty his stomach was.

Ayanami was cooking something. It smelled... plain. Instant noodles with vegetables, probably.

He got to his feet, and ignoring the dizziness, and knocked on her door.

She answered after the second knock. "Sorry, can I use your phone again?"

She returned after a moment and left him with her phone.

She probably liked her noodles without too much broth/soup, or else she probably wouldn't be too worried about stirring it so much (to keep them from sticking to the pot).

Misato picked up after a few rings. "Hullo?"

"Hi. Um..."

She took a few moments to answer. "Shinji?"

"Yes. Um, I locked myself out of the apartment and, I was wondering when you might be home?"

"Isn't Asuka back yet?"

"Um, no. I'm using Ayanami's phone."

"Oh. 'Kay. Well, um, I can put off some stuff 'til tomorrow and be there at nine? My shift doesn't actually run that late tonight, but I was just hoping to get some stuff done is all."

"But if you need it, I can be there," she added.

He cringed, struck by how much he was clearly imposing on her. "I'm sorry..."

"It's alright." He could tell by her voice that that was only partly true. "I'm not mad, so don't worry. I'll be there by eight, okay?"

"Thanks, Misato. I'm sorry."

"It's fine! Jeebus. See you soon, champ."

"Bye..."

Ayanami re-appeared after a moment. He handed the phone back to her.

"Thank you."

She shut the door again, and he felt bad for having disturbed her. She clearly hadn't been pleased to have him here.

His thoughts returned to her clothes. He knew he was androgynous, but it was striking just how good her uniform looked on him.

Or on his body, rather. His old body, that is.

_Can't she wear guys' clothes?_

Knowing what little he did of her, he supposed that if the thought had even crossed her mind she'd have dismissed the idea of buying male uniforms as an unnecessary inconvenience.

He sighed.

* * *

Rei ate.

Her old uniform was probably the only female school uniform that he owned. He was probably too afraid to buy other uniforms.

She was almost curious as to what he wore to school, if not that one uniform.

_Almost_.

But not really.

She finished eating, flossed and brushed her teeth, and lay down on her bed.

There, she waited to fall asleep.

In the darkness, she flexed his hand. It was different to her own - the fingers daintier, more delicate.

But functionally, it was no different to her old hand. The same could be said of his entire body - though cosmetically different, it was almost entirely the same as her former one.

She did _feel_ different, though. Her eye was drawn to the pills.

Physically, the body was just a vessel for the mind. But this vessel was physiologically different in its brain-chemistry.

This would inevitably mean changed thought-patterns.

After much consideration, she determined that she did not find this conclusion disturbing. On the contrary, she was almost looking forward to observing it.

Almost.

* * *

There are a couple of bonus scenes after this that I've debated the wisdom of including, but it's too late now! BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

...

..._ahem_.

As ever, do feel free to (i.e. please) leave a review to let me know your thoughts.

As ever, thanks for your interest and support!

* * *

_**I.**  
_

Asuka threw back the covers and...

Sat by Shinji and held his hand.

"Rei," said Asuka, "I thought I'd made things very clear. That night was..." she searched for the word "a mistake, and I'm sorry I let things get so out of hand."

She sighed. "But let's be friends, okay?"

She kissed him on the cheek, and he passed out.

**_II_**

Rei answered the door on the third knock.

The door opened to reveal his body. He'd never seen so much leather before.

He stared at the floor, blushing. "I-I locked myself into my chastity belt and Misato isn't coming back until late and I don't have any keys do you have any?"

She blinked. He got a sinking feeling he hadn't made any sense or, worse, that he'd offended her somehow.

She turned on her heel and disappeared inside. He stood where he was, gripping one arm behind his back and staring at his feet.

She returned, offering her cellular phone and a collar to him. His father's name and phone number was written on it.

"Thank you, Rei."

She stood there while he dialed the number and he thought about moving away to take the call - her steady, hungry gaze was unsettling him. He fidgeted with the collar while he waited for father to pick up.

He didn't.

He handed the phone back to her. "Thank you. Um,"

She waited for him to speak. "Er, can I try again later?"

"Yes."

"Thank you, Ayanami."

She closed the door.

He really shouldn't have been so shocked and dismayed that she'd done that, he noted in hindsight. He raised his hand to knock, but thought better of it - if she was feeling in a hospitable mood, she would've invited him in.

He sat down outside her door and waited, trying to ignore the gasps and moans coming from just inside the door.


	3. Blossoming Romance & Heartfelt Bonding

They were nearly back.

"She found you and locked you out." She spared him a few quick glances. "Right?"

Uncomfortable, he shifted in his seat. "Have you told her about the accident yet?"

He shook his head.

"Well, you're gonna have to do it now. I'll back you up, don't worry."

He had a bad feeling about this. He almost didn't feel like expressing his doubts. It wasn't like his expression of them would change anything.

She sniffed. "While we're at it, no offense or anything, but how long is it since you had a shower?"

_Three days_.

She politely declined to mention that, close up, he smelled a bit of stale piss. She could guess why - not wanting to touch someone else's genitals - but had absolutely no idea how to bring that up and frankly, no real desire to open that whole 'using someone else's body' can of worms thing. Hopefully, drying his own damn crotch with paper towels was something he'd work out for - and work up the courage to do - himself. Not that there was a way around that, of course. She sure as hell wasn't doing it for him.

A wildly inappropriate notion crossed her mind, and she couldn't help a smile from coming to her face. She wondered what would happen if she asked Ayanami to-

He was looking at her.

_Shit_.

"Sorry, just thinking of this one time in college when I didn't shower for two whole days. I stank to high heaven by the end of it."

Kaji had nothing to do with the time she was thinking about, actually.

She could see that Shinji wasn't buying it, but he wasn't going to call her out on it. Despite a feeling that it might be wiser to just admit the original cause of her amusement - _she_ found the idea of Ayanami giving the poor boy a full-body scrub-down hilarious, anyway - she figured the whole body-dysphoria thing was probably too close to his heart for him to find it anything but hurtful.

Then again, how could she know?

Really, the only way to find out was by doing it. 'Poke it and watch' was a time-honoured method to gauge things like this, whether it was a stick in an ant-hill or a light artillery bombardment of a defensive strongpoint. Or needling a friend to see how offended they got. Not that Shinji was a friend, of course. He was her ward.

So that meant that gauging his real level of comfort and stuff was practically her duty, right?

"Sorry, I was just thinking that if you're feeling a little nervous about washing yourself," oh God he thought she was serious "I could ask Ayanami to help you out."

His face was still blank. She pushed her luck, praying it was just prudishness. "Just the two of you, of course."

Still blank.

"Alone."

_Shit_. She gave it one last stab.

"With minimal cloth-"

"Stop. Please."

Ah, fucksickles.

Things had changed, she realised. It was a good thing she hadn't been around to tease him in her usual fashion, actually. Physical contact, let alone teasing, was almost definitely more than he could handle right now.

Should she apologise?

_Of course, you idiot! You 'tested' him! _

"Sorry, Shinji."

She went on, realising that honesty could work to her advantage after all. "I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

The way she'd drawn it out just then had kind of invalidated that claim, but he seemed to accept her explanation.

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

She felt she should say something about how difficult all of this must be for him, but she'd said it already. To say it again would just make her sound phony, like she was saying it out of obligation - even though she really did mean it. So she bit her tongue.

* * *

Disheartened by the way that even Misato seemed to think of his troubles as a cause for laughter, Shinji resolved to get away from her and Asuka and everyone else and sleep as soon as possible.

Before the accident, he'd actually had the gall to think that nobody understood him. Some part of him had known that was untrue, but nobody had ever done anything to actually disprove that notion.

Now that he had an issue that really was unique, he could finally say - truthfully - that nobody shared his pain.

The thought was no comfort.

A long while of not really thinking about anything while staring out the car window later, a thought filled the mental void.

_Except Ayanami_, he noted.

The realisation brought no peace of mind. But it did put things a little more in perspective.

_It may suck in a unique way, but it still doesn't suck as hard as it could._

He didn't feel _better_, per se, but he didn't feel quite so alone. Or _quite_ so misunderstood.

Which was something.

* * *

Asuka was asleep on the couch when they got back.

Thanking his stars, Shinji went straight to bed.

He was asleep by the time Misato came knocking on his door just a minute later, unsure of the sense in or wisdom of waking them both up for a confrontation. Genuinely asleep, too, as she discovered a moment later.

She snapped the lid on a cold one, eyeing Asuka's sleeping form.

It could wait.

She sighed.

It really couldn't. But now... was not a good time. She downed the first can, crushing it with one hand as she sipped the second.

Then again, when was a good time? When they were both groggy and irritable, first thing in the morning? Not that Shinji seemed to be going to school, of course. She wasn't going to make him go either, not in his current state - not that she could physically force him to go, anyway.

Still. Asuka believing that Shinji was Ayanami now would take nothing should of her personal intervention. And maybe not even then.

She got thinking.

Ritsuko...

She could totally get Ritsuko to produce a folder or something for her. Or she could do it herself and just get Ritsuko to sign it.

It wasn't a substitute for her personal testimony as to Ayanami's new identity - as Shinji - but it would help. Probably.

Three cans and a lot of soul-searching later, she woke Asuka. Asuka seemed to be stirring anyway so, she reasoned, what the hell.

"Asuka."

"What?" She didn't look too pleased, but then again her foreign ward never did.

"Shinji's accident was Shinji becoming Ayanami."

She didn't even open her eyes. "Misato, you're talking crap again. That made no fucking sense."

"Watch your deliciously supple young mouth, my sugarcakedarling." Half the time - e.g. right now - she suspected that some or even most of the venom in Asuka's insults was genuine.

"A slut like you's got some nerve calling me a virginal flower of Germanic womanhood like me a whore."

"You hussy," she added as an afterthought.

Asuka's heart wasn't really in it, but it soon would be. A conversation with Asuka was like that - a duel to the depths of depravity and bitchiness.

"It's true, though. Shinji's stuck in Ayanami's body for a couple of months. But he's not taking it well, so try to be gentle with him."

Asuka clearly didn't believe a word of it, though she knew as well as Misato that it wouldn't have been a very good joke if that's what it was. The timing was all off - there was no drama in the air or anything. Ayanami/'Shinji' wasn't even present.

"Whatever."

She got up and headed for bed. "Just bear it in mind, okay? You can ask him yourself, but go easy on him okay?"

"What_ever_."

That was about as good as she was going to get from the sleepy deutsch-fraulein.

Tracing shapes in the condensation the cans had left on the table, she idly finished the last of the six-pack in peace and quiet.

* * *

When Shinji awoke the next day, it was still dark outside.

With nothing better to do, he padded to the kitchen and checked out the pantry.

One eye on the clock, he watched some kids' cartoon about a boy-detective while he waited for the shops to open.

When it was time, he slipped on some shoes and went to the nearest newsagent's to get what they needed. On a whim he bought a newspaper too - it wasn't like he wasn't going to have time to read it today.

He freaked out a bit when the shop-keeper smiled at him, as he had feared he would. Unnerved, he avoided the man's eyes like the plague and hurried back home without even thanking him.

Once back he saw he was running a little late, so he made haste about his preparations. He settled on a quick breakfast and simple lunches to save time. In fact, he even used bits of the former (the scrambled egg) in the latter (the sandwiches).

He'd only _just _made it back into his room when he heard the door to Asuka's slide open.

The newspaper was soon spread on the floor by his bed, though he was careful not to make any sound. Trying to read while lying down reminded him that he had breasts, though. He tried to ignore it and just focus on the paper, but it wasn't working.

Sitting up, he shut his eyes and hugged himself tight, focusing on his breathing.

It didn't really help.

Sitting on the floor instead, he tried again to read the paper as intently as possible to distract himself from the inescapable fact that he was still trapped in Ayanami's body, possibly forever.

Eventually, he heard Asuka leave for the day. He hadn't noticed Misato getting up, but she left shortly afterward.

He was nearing the end of the paper when his stomach gurgled - there hadn't been time to eat.

He fixed himself something simple from the left-overs, doing all the washing up when he was done.

With nothing to do, he sat on the couch and just watched TV. Eyeing the clock, he figured he would continue to do so until lunch-time.

Lunch-time came, and he decided to make something (chao-mian) that could be re-used as a component of a three-part dinner. Soaking the noodles, slicing everything into the right-sized bits, and marinating said bits took a while.

He was heating the wok up when there was a knock on the door.

He answered it, revealing himself. His cross-dressing body held something out to him. Never one for words, Ayanami let the I.D. card and wallet speak for themselves.

"Thanks, Ayanami." He swallowed. "Um. I still have your old card..."

"It has been de-activated."

"Oh."

He waited for her to leave.

She did.

Or rather, she _very nearly _did.

Something held her back.

Well. Not 'held' so much as hinted that something was...

Frankly, she had no idea. But she was still here, for some reason. If she remained, he might explain.

...but why should she be interested in exploring the 'why' of her remaining? Why should he know something that she herself did not? Remaining was pointless. It served no (useful) purpose.

She left, and he stared after her.

Why, she wondered as she started down the stairs, did the purpose have to be constructive/useful to justify the use of her time to execute it?

All of that time which she did not spend training or learning - the two overlapped - was, by definition, wasted. So why had that moment been any different?

* * *

The next day, he started early on lunch - stew. It'd serve as dinner as well, by which time - after a day on the hob - it'd be thick enough for Misato's liking. He'd save the Chilli flakes for when he had her bowl in front of him - Asuka had a Continental/European palate, and he wasn't fond of overly spice-y food either. It tended to overwhelm the subtler flavours.

Which was a good thing if said flavours were very poor or plain, as with instant food. But none of his food was like that (day before yesterday aside).

He'd only just finished dicing the potatoes when there was a knock at the door.

It was Ayanami again.

"Um. Hi, Ayanami."

Letting her actions speak for themselves, she brushed past him to enter uninvited.

Unsure what to make of it, and with half a mind to ask her to leave, he closed the door behind them and resolved himself to confront her as to why she was there.

"Uh... w-why are you, here?"

She sat at the dining table and unpacked her bag. "We are to continue our schooling in private."

"Um." He hugged himself tight, feeling a headache coming on and thinking of his pills - he couldn't take anything for anything anymore, not with all the stuff he was taking already. He sighed. "Um, yes, but, why are you _h-here?_"

"If you cannot teach yourself, I am to teach you."

Someone had sent him - no,_ her!_ - to help him with his schoolwork.

_Misato_.

He remembered her smile the other day.

Ayanami kept working. He...

...had no idea what to do. He still had to make lunch.

Misato's absence made him her _de facto _host, moreover. "Can I get you some tea?"

"Water."

He poured her a glass from the kettle - he had boiled it for the stew, once the onions had fried.

_Speaking of which..._

"Have you eaten?"

"Yes."

"I mean, would you like some lunch?"

"I have eaten."

"I mean," he swallowed, "I _meant_ later," he said. "Would you like some lunch later?"

"At 1:30."

He had been about to say that that was a pleasant coincidence, because that was when he always had lunch as well. But then he realised that lunch-hour at school started, not at all co-incidentally, at half one.

He'd planned to put the (c.20% meat) sausages in with the vegetables, but he figured he could always add them in about two-ish, or maybe three. Actually, now that he thought about it, it was best if he only put them in maybe an hour before he actually served it. Keeping them from sticking to the bottom of the pot was always a real pain.

"Oh, good," he said. "Er, do you like stew?"

"I don't know."

_Oh._

* * *

She ate - drank? - until her bowl was empty. Before she could move it aside, he spoke.

"Would you like some more?"

It was not unpleasant, though the broth was too weak. She was not yet full, but she knew that -

She paused. She no longer needed to spare 'room' for her medication.

Even so, why eat more?

Or was the better question 'why not'? It did no harm, and spending time eating it was preferable to spending the same amount of time waiting, or working.

...

'Preferable'?

She ended the questioning with speech. "Yes."

Another steaming bowlful - too much for her to eat - was in front of her in just a moment. Ignoring the smell of her unwashed/poorly-washed (former) body as it washed over her, she used Ikari's slender fingers to pick up her spoon and resumed eating.

He drew her eye as he sat. He did not smell as strongly over such a distance.

Observing him as he ate, she noticed that his pace of consumption was much slower than hers.

"I'm sorry it's so watery right now, but it'll be really nice by supper. It'll be even better tomorrow." He smiled a fraction, allowing himself the tiniest bit of pride - albeit in something virtually everyone could do, and better than him.

She considered experimenting with eating at his pace, then wondered why she would consider experimenting with doing so. Trying it for a moment, she discerned that (as expected) it made no difference whatsoever to the flavour.

That said, if eating was an activity preferable (?) to waiting, then would she not rather spend a longer rather than a shorter amount of time eating - even if the volume of food consumed was the same?

She found her eyes on his mouth - formerly her own mouth. She watched as they opened to a fraction to take in - to admit? _for him to drink_ - a sip of the broth. As she watched they sealed again, shifting under her gaze. There was no reason that the sight should interest her - repulse her, perhaps, as a reminder of the animalistic and organic nature of man - but it was captivating, in its own way.

As she ate, she let her eye wander to take in the rest of his face. It was...

Yes. It actually was interesting.

It was a result of the changed brain-chemistry. She knew there was nothing interesting about her own face, yet she did not feel like looking away from it at present.

* * *

Secretly, he'd warmed a little when she'd slowed down her usual, business-like eating to actually savour her food. The little smile he'd often find himself wearing became genuine for a moment.

She hadn't stopped watching his mouth, though. He dabbed at his lips with his napkin, but she kept staring.

He ignored her, focusing entirely on his food.

She was still staring when he looked up again.

It was then that he recognised the look. His skin began to crawl.

He focused on eating.

_Please stop_.

He looked up, and nearly choked.

"_Wha-"_ he coughed, and the spell was broken.

She returned her focus to her food.

He... didn't feel hungry anymore.

* * *

I remember there being a conversation on the fanfiction recommendations page of the Evageeks website a few weeks back. It proposed that all writing existed on a spectrum between the poles of 'the planner' and 'the gardener'. The Planner plots out the progression of every story-line and scene, and fills in dialogue later. The Gardener has no plan for the story and lets scenes 'write themselves'.

Guess which I am?

Thanks for the patronage, and especially the reviews, all!

Anyhow. Not very funny, this chapter. So here's a bunch of extras to compensate. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAahem.

* * *

1#

* * *

A wildly inappropriate notion crossed her mind, and she couldn't help a leer from coming to her face. She wondered what would happen if she asked Ayanami to-

He was looking at her.

_Shit_.

"Sorry, just thinking of this one time in college when I-."

"_Goddamnit Misato, I don't wanna hear any more D&S stories."_ He scowled. "Ryouji's _mine_, stop being such a sore loser."

"Ah," she said with a grin a mile wide, "but don't you want to know about the spot that makes him _scream-"_

"I know where his prostate is," he said flatly, "if that's what you mean."

They drove on in silence.

"Does he still prefer oil to the water-based stuff?"

Shinji sniffed. It was none of her business (anymore), but... "Yup."

* * *

2#

* * *

He'd only just finished oiling himself up when there was a knock at the door.

It was Ayanami again.

"Um. Hi, Ayanami. Uh... w-why are you, here?"

She sat at the dining table and unpacked her bag. "We are to continue our schooling in private."

"Um." He rubbed his butt reflexively, feeling it twinge in anticipation and thinking of Master Kaji- he was still too raw for much more training today, not with all the stuff he'd taken already. He sighed. "Um, yes, but, why are you _h-here?_"

She discarded her ankle-length raincoat, and everything became clear. He'd never seen so much medical-grade silicone before.

Someone had sent him - no,_ her!_ - to help him with his 'training'.

_Misato_.

He remembered her smile the other day.

* * *

3#

* * *

She ate - drank? - until her bowl was empty. Before she could move it aside, he spoke.

"Would you like some more?"

"Yes, what is it?"

"Baby."

She paused with the spoon half-way to her lips. She stared at it.

Embryonic Adam-foetus stared back.

The room was silent.

...very slowly, she lifted the spoon to her lips.

_Chewy_.

Her eyes narrowed.

_The texture I hate_.

Half a minute of largely fruitless mandibular action later, Shinji broke the silence. "Um, Ayanami?"

"Yes?" she said, her mouth still full.

"Um, I hate to waste food, but, could you spit it out, maybe...?"

He indicated the wings of light sprouting from her back, the red rings spreading across the sky overhead, and the faint scent of burnt apples.

"Yeah, in a sec'." She kept chewing. "The consistency kind of grows on you after a while."

* * *

4#

* * *

She found her eyes on his mouth - formerly her own mouth. As she ate, she let her eye wander to take in the rest of his face. It was...

_..._fuckable.

Yes. It actually was.

She could fuck it all day long.

"Um. Are you okay, Ayanami?"

The way she was looking at his mouth like... like a famished vegan at a steaming slab of premium-quality tofu, was extremely disconcerting.

"Fantasising about irrumatio again?" he asked, deadpan.

She nodded, deadly serious.

He blinked.

He blushed and looked aside. "Maybe later," he mumbled.


End file.
